Ask The Energy Guy
Past Energy Guy Inquiries...
DEAR ENERGY GUY,
How can 5-Hour Energy shots provide hours of energy if it has only four calories? Our bodies burn calories for energy. Duh!
Signed,
Peter Pedantic
DEAR MR. PEDANTIC,
Allow me to answer your letter point by point. First, 5-Hour Energy is not fuel for your body. Instead, it helps your head feel bright, alert and productive. Second, if calories provide energy (which they do) why do most people feel like taking a nap an hour after eating lunch? Or maybe that's the point of 5-Hour Energy. It's there when you need the boost. Third, never "duh" Mr. Energy Guy. Didn't your mamma teach you any manners?
Best regards,
Mr. Energy Guy
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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
You’re so mysterious, dressed in black from head to toe, and running from place to place. Are you part of a top secret government agency, or in the witness protection program, or what? What do you know about unmarked black helicopters?
Signed,
Too Much Time on My Hands
PS. I already started an Internet rumor that your are an ex-Navy Seal who was accused of a crime he didn’t commit, went underground, became an eccentric billionaire and developed 5-Hour Energy shots in your secret underground lair. Hope that’s OK.
DEAR TOO MUCH TIME,
I have advised my client, Mr. Energy Guy, to offer no comment to these unfounded, baseless rumors. Mr. Energy Guy is a peaceful, law abiding citizen who wishes to lead a quiet life in his secret underground lair.
Sincerely,
Rutherford “Kip” Herringbone, Esq.
Attorney at Law
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DEAR ENERGY GUY,
As a medical professional I resent the fact that millions of people are turning to 5-Hour Energy to help them get through the day when all they need is eight hours of sleep, proper nutrition, proper exercise, stop smoking, stop drinking, and eliminate all stress. What’s so hard about that?
Signed,
Darin Do-Gooder, MD, DO, phD
DEAR DOCTOR,
Only hippies get to lead that kind of life style, and they’re poor. Regular working people don’t always get luxuries like sleep, relaxation and well balanced meals prepared by personal chefs. So when they need a little help to get through, 5-Hour Energy shots are there for them. When you come back to planet Earth you may find you could use some 5-Hour Energy, too.
Best regards,
Mr. Energy Guy, Working Stiff
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Dear Mr. Energy,
Where does the term "couch potato" come from? As a potato farmer I am personally offended that the noble potato has become symbolic of lazy people. Why not "couch cucumber" or "sofa asparagus?"
Signed,
Indignant in Idaho
Dear Indignant,
How about "divan dumpling?" According to the all-knowing Wikipedia, the term couch potato was first coined in 1976. In the early-1980s it was registered as a trademark by underground comic book artist Robert Armstrong who co-authored The Official Couch Potato Handbook. Why the potato was chosen as the poster tuber for the sedentary lifestyle is not explained. Perhaps it¹s the striking resemblance between couch potatoes and actual spuds.
Taking 5-Hour Energy is a great way to combat couch potato-itis. One quick swig and the last thing you¹ll want to do vegetate on the couch. Before you know it you¹re physique could be much more carrot-like.
Best wishes,
The Energy Guy
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Dear Energy Dude,
I M totally I mean to-TAL-ly into x-treme sports like me and my buds totally suck down energy drinks while they’re rippin it but like I started into the 5-Hour Energy and now those other energy drinks are totally bogus to me but I M totally into 5-Hour like and my buds are like dude wuz up how come UR not drinking what we R drinking and like they laffed and it was totally lame but I started rippin and they were like whoa and it was cool so like will you sponsor me and my buds?
Signed,
Rad Brad
Dear Rad Brad,
No, but can I buy you some punctuation?
Best wishes,
The Energy Dude Guy
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